It was a Sunday evening in the middle of summer, about seven or eight years ago. The air was hot and sticky—it was the kind of humidity we get on Cape Cod that soaks into every piece of paper until it’s completely limp when you pick it up. Notes and binders were spread out and wilting all over the kitchen table in front of me. I had too much to do, and I was way behind. I looked at it all, baffled just trying to figure out what to attack first.
Then my 10-year-old son and teenage daughter said they were going for a swim. I didn’t have time to go in the pool, but I thought that maybe if I cooled off I could be more productive. Or at least maybe I could think straight. So I said I’d join them.
My son was pretty chatty as a child. He had—still has—a mind that trips and jumps and leaps from topic to topic, idea to idea, and sometimes as a result he is shockingly insightful and completely hilarious in the same minute. My daughter’s voice is expressive—musical, even—and her laughter has been a consistent delight to me since the day she was born. So this break—this time away from my troubles, in the company of two of my favorite people—should have been refreshing, relaxing and invigorating.
But I didn’t feel a thing. My mind might have been racing with the things back on the kitchen table, the deadlines sliding by me, the executives who were expecting me to produce work I clearly wasn’t getting done. But it wasn’t—instead, my head was full of industrial noise; it was the droning soundtrack of Eraserhead in there.
I squatted in the shallow end, my head just above water. My mind was not a blank, but nothing going on in there was any earthly good to anyone. My kids chatted and laughed and played, and it was like they were a million miles away. No single sound made sense, no single thought could take hold. It was nothing but noise until my son’s voice penetrated with these words:
“Dad, do you even know how to have fun anymore?”
There was no cynicism or irony in his tone. He wasn’t complaining or being judgmental: he was asking a sincere question. I was his dad, I’d been fun at one time, and I wasn’t fun anymore. He was just wondering if I’d noticed, and if I knew why. It was a question I couldn’t evade, from a person who deserved an answer.
And the answer was: No, I did not know how to have fun anymore. And at the same moment I knew that was the answer, I recognized its corollary: I USED to know how to have fun. Something had changed.
♦◊♦
I’d spent the 90s climbing the ladder in a company that was growing so fast we couldn’t keep up. I felt like I owned a piece of that growth—I was an inside guy—I had a seat at the table when the major decisions were made, the big secrets discussed.
Then, we were acquired. Business got soft, and we were heavily leveraged. Cuts had to be made, and I was one of the cuts. It’s a pretty common story, and at the time I felt like I was weathering it well. I had skills. I had experience. I did a year of consulting (with my former employer as my biggest client) and then an offer for a new job in a new city just appeared one day on my doorstep.
It felt a lot like fate.
Which may be why I couldn’t make sense of my own failure at my new job. I knew my stuff—knew how to make decisions and make things happen. Except, things weren’t happening. Not the right things, and not fast enough. Choices baffled me. All of a sudden I couldn’t read people—couldn’t manage a staff and REALLY couldn’t manage my managers. Simple organizational tasks overwhelmed me: I, who had lived for years with a File-O-Fax in my hand before smoothly transitioning to a Palm Pilot, couldn’t keep an accurate calendar. I couldn’t face MAKING a to-do list, let alone trying to actually cross things off it. Taking usable notes in a meeting was impossible. I arrived at my office in the morning with no plan for what I’d do all day, and left without really being sure what I’d done.
♦◊♦
My son’s question forced me to recognize all the things that had changed—not just that I couldn’t have fun, but that I couldn’t organize my work or express my ideas persuasively. Something HAD changed, something was wrong, and I had to fix it.
Which is how I discovered I was depressed.
It turns out, not everybody’s depression looks the same. I didn’t feel sad. I didn’t sleep too much or too little. I was generally not that irritable, and I hadn’t lost interest in my family or other things I cared about.
For me, the most striking symptoms of depression were cognitive. I couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t keep track of details—not even the important ones. I couldn’t make decisions or draw conclusions. I’d always considered myself a pretty smart guy, and the scariest thing about the changes I’d gone through was that all of a sudden I felt like I was really, genuinely stupid.
But that question—“Dad, do you even know how to have fun anymore?”—gave me something to cling to. Because it suggested that I USED to know how to have fun, just like I USED to be smart. So maybe if all that could change, it could also change back. So I went to the doctor. And I got better.
By getting better, I don’t mean that all my troubles went away. I still don’t know if I failed at my job because I was depressed or if I was depressed because I failed at my job—it’s a chicken-and-egg thing. But I parted company from that employer on cordial (if not friendly) terms, and we’ve both moved on happily. I had some therapy and included an anti-depressant as part of my daily routine for a while. I’ve been managing without either for some time now, getting through the ups and downs of everyday life, making my lists and getting things done.
But the legacy of that evening swim and my little boy’s question is profound. I learned that life doesn’t always move in a straight line, and that you have to listen for important clues. I learned to notice when things aren’t right, and that things that aren’t right can be fixed.
I discovered that the pain and confusion that was plaguing me at the time was taking something away from my son, and my wife and my other two kids. And I learned that one of the most important things I could do for the people I care about is to take care of myself.
Since 1949, Mental Health America and our affiliates across the country have led the observance of May is Mental Health Month by reaching millions of people through the media, local events and screenings. We welcome other organizations to join us in spreading the word that mental health is something everyone should care about by using the May is Mental Health Month toolkit materials and conducting awareness activities.
When we talk about health, we can’t just focus on heart health, or liver health, or brain health, and not whole health. You have to see the whole person, and make use of the tools and resources that benefit minds and bodies together. That’s why this year, our May is Mental Health Month theme is Fitness #4Mind4Body. We’ll focus on what we as individuals can do to be fit for our own futures – no matter where we happen to be on our own personal journeys to health and wellness – and, most especially, before Stage 4.
As part of our efforts this May, we’re asking you to take the #4Mind4Body Challenge and join Mental Health America as we challenge ourselves each day to make small changes – both physically and mentally – to create huge gains for our overall health and wellbeing. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram, or visit mentalhealthamerica.net/challenge for the challenge of the day and share your progress and successes by posting with #4Mind4Body.
In this year’s toolkit, you will find a range of materials, including:
Fact sheets on how mental health is affected by diet and nutrition, sleep, stress, gut health, and exercise;
Worksheets on making life changes;
A promotional poster, sample social media posts with images, and web banners;
A sample press release and a drop-In article; and a sample proclamation for public officials to recognize May as Mental Health Month and the work of local mental health advocates.
Even if they belonged to higher social classes, most women throughout history have been enslaved by men. Until recent times, women throughout Europe, Middle East and Asia were unable to have any influence over the political, r eligiousor cultural lives of their societies. They couldn’t own property or inherit land and wealth, and were frequently treated as mere property themselves. In some countries they could be confiscated by money lenders or tax collectors to help settle debts; in ancient Assyria, the punishment for rape was the handing over of the rapist’s wife to the husband of his victim, to use as he desired. Most gruesomely of all, some cultures practised what anthropologists have called ritual widow murder (or ritual widow suicide), when women would be killed (or kill themselves) shortly after the deaths of their husbands. This was common throughout India and China until the twentieth century, and there are still occasional cases nowadays.
Even in the so-called ‘enlightened’ society of ancient Greece — where the concept of democracy supposedly originated — women had no property or political rights, and were forbidden to leave their homes after dark. Similarly, in ancient Rome women unable to take part in social events (except as employed ‘escort girls’) and were only allowed to leave their homes with their husband or a male relative.
In Europe and America (and some other countries) the status of women has risen significantly over the last few decades, but in many parts of the world male domination and oppression continues. In some Middle Eastern countries, for example, women effectively live as prisoners, unable to leave the house except under the guardianship of a male guardian. They have no role at all in determining their own lives; they are seen as nothing more than a commodity, property of the males of the family, and as owners, the men have the right to make decisions for them. Their male owners have the right to have sex with them on demand too. In Egypt, surveys have shown that the vast majority of men and women believe it is acceptable for a man to beat his wife if she refuses sex.
There have been attempts to explain the oppression of women in biological terms. For example, the sociologist Stephen Goldberg suggested that men are naturally more competitive than women because of their high level of testosterone. This makes them aggressive and power-hungry, so that they inevitably take over the high status positions in a society, leaving women to the more subordinate roles.
However, in my view the maltreatment of women has more deep-rooted psychological causes. In my book The Fall(link is external), I suggest that most human beings suffer from an underlying psychological disorder, which I call ‘humania.’ The oppression of women is a symptom of this disorder. It’s one thing to take over the positions of power in a society, but another to seemingly despise women, and inflict so much brutality and degradation on them. What sane species would treat half of its members — and the very half which gives birth to the whole species — with such contempt and injustice? Despite their high level of testosterone, the men of many ancient and indigenous cultures revered women for their life-giving and nurturing role, so why don’t we?
The oppression of women stems largely from men’s desire for power and control. The same need which, throughout history, has driven men to try to conquer and subjugate other groups or nations, and to oppress other classes or groups in their own society, drives them to dominate and oppress women. Since men feel the need to gain as much power and control as they can, they steal away power and control from women. They deny women the right to make decisions so that they can make them for them, leave women unable to direct their own lives so that they can direct their lives for them. Ultimately, they’re trying to increase their sense of significance and status, in an effort to offset the discontent and sense of lack created by humania.
But even this isn’t enough to explain the full terrible saga of man’s inhumanity to woman. Many cultures have had a strong antagonism towards women, viewing them as impure and innately sinful creatures who have been sent by the devil to lead men astray. This view was at the heart of the European witch-killing mania of the 15th to 18th centuries, and has featured strongly in all three Abrahamic religions. As the Jewish Testament of Reuben states:
Women are evil, my children…they use wiles and try to ensnare [man] by their charms…They lay plots in their hearts against men: by the way they adorn themselves they first lead their minds astray, and by a look they instil the poison, and then in the act itself they take them captive…So shun fornication, my children and command your wives and daughters not to adorn their heads and faces.
This is linked to the view — encouraged by religions — that instincts and sensual desires are base and sinful. Men associated themselves with the “purity” of the mind, and women with the “corruption” of the body. Since biological processes like sex, menstruation, breast-feeding and even pregnancy were disgusting, women themselves disgusted them too.
In connection with this, perhaps men have resented the sexual power that women have over them too. Feeling that sex was sinful, they were bound to feel animosity to the women who produced their sexual desires. In addition, women’s sexual power must have affronted their need for control. This meant that they couldn’t have the complete domination over women — and over their own bodies — that they craved. They might be able to force women to cover their bodies and faces and make them live like slaves, but any woman was capable of arousing powerful and uncontrollable sexual impulses inside them at any moment. The last 6000 years of man’s inhumanity to woman can partly be seen as a revenge for this.
We can only be thankful that, in some parts of the world at least, this antagonism — and the oppression that it leads to — has begun to fade away.
“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.”
One of the best, unforeseen consequence of simplifying our lives is it has allowed us to begin living our lives in the present. Eliminating nonessential possessions has freed us from many of the emotions associated with past lives that were keeping us stuck. And clearing our home has allowed us the freedom to shape our lives today around our most important values.
Choosing to live in the past or the future not only robs you of enjoyment today, it robs you of truly living. The only important moment is the present moment. With that goal in mind, consider this list of ten tips below to start living your life in the present:
1. Remove unneeded possessions. Minimalism forces you to live in the present. Removing items associated with past memories or lives frees us up to stop living in the past and start living in the present.
2. Smile. Each day is full of endless possibilities! Start it with a smile. You are in control of your attitude every morning, keep it optimistic and expectant.
3. Fully appreciate the moments of today. Soak in as much of today as you possibly can – the sights, the sounds, the smells, the emotions, the triumph, and the sorrow.
4. Forgive past hurts. If you are harboring resentment towards another human being because of past hurts, choose to forgive and move on. The harm was their fault. But allowing it to impact your mood today is yours.
5. Love your job. If you just “survive” the workweek constantly waiting for the next weekend “to get here,” you are wasting 71% of your life (5 out of 7 days). there are two solutions: 1) find a new job that you actually enjoy (it’s out there), or 2) find something that you appreciate about your current career and focus on that rather than the negatives.
6. Dream about the future, but work hard today. Dream big. Set goals and plans for the future. But working hard today is always the first step towards realizing your dreams tomorrow. Don’t allow dreaming about tomorrow to replace living in today.
7. Don’t dwell on past accomplishments. If you are still talking about what you did yesterday, you haven’t done much today.
8. Stop worrying. You can’t fully appreciate today if you worry too much about tomorrow. Realize that tomorrow is going to happen whether you worry about it or not. And since worry has never accomplished anything for anybody, redirect your mental energy elsewhere.
9. Think beyond old solutions to problems. Our world is changing so fast that most of yesterday’s solutions are no longer the right answers today. Don’t get locked into a “but that’s how we’ve always done it” mentality. Yesterday’s solutions are not today’s solutions and they are certainly not tomorrow’s solutions.
10. Conquer addictions. Addictions in your life hold you hostage. They keep you from living a completely free life today. Find some help. Take the steps. And remove their influence over your life.
If you can only live one moment at a time, you might as well make it the present.
The Duchess of Cambridge Launches Mentally Healthy Schools, Heads Together’s new programme to support children’s mental wellbeing.
Click here or the video below to find out more.
Taking the mental health of children as seriously as we do their physical health is essential.
1 in 10 children experience a mental health difficultly by age 11
And more than half of all mental health problems in adult life start by the age of 14
These problems can have a long lasting impact on a person’s life, and teachers play an important role in supporting the children in their care.
But with so many resources available to teachers online, finding the right ones to use can be difficult, so we have developed ‘Mentally Healthy Schools’.
Working with our charity partners YoungMinds, Place2Be and Anna Freud Centre for Children and Families, and with expert guidance from NAHT and Centre for Mental Health, we have developed a free and easy to use website. It provides reliable and tested resources suitable for the classroom, which will help primary school teachers promote and support their pupils mental well being.
Mentally Healthy Schools is currently being piloted in a selection of schools. It will become available to every primary school in England shortly, and to schools in Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland in due course.
“The ultimate goal is that no primary school teacher, anywhere in the country should in future have to wonder where to turn when it comes to the wellbeing of children in their care.”
– The Duchess of Cambridge
When we get our Heads Together, we really can achieve great things.
Last week, we joined our charity partner CALM to show men all over the country that you don't need to wait until your wedding to be a best man.
Last week, we joined our charity partner CALM to show men all over the country that you don't need to wait until your wedding to be a best man.
The Duke of Cambridge met a number of staff, volunteers and supporters who have contributed to CALM’s new #BestManProject. The Duke also joined Rio Ferdinand, Loyle Carner, Roman Kemp, Carl Anka and their best mates to talk about what it means to be best man.
"If you can feel you can be vulnerable in front of someone else, and they can be vulnerable in front of you, then that's when you truly can be brave with each other, and help each other through something that's actually scary." - Loyle Carner
CALM are doing fantastic work in suicide prevention and by joining the #BestManProject, you can find out ways you can be there for your mates more often.
It’s a myth that suicide is more typical around special occasions like the holidays (springtime is really the pinnacle). Be that as it may, seasonal happiness isn’t a given either. High desires, cash misfortunes, and other occasion risks can spell inconvenience for anybody, yet particularly those inclined to depression. With a touch of foresight and planning, you can feel better about the holidays.
Plan ahead
Invest some energy in making sense of how to deal with your-self amid this time. Restore routines schedules, for example, reading a book or snoozing, and think of them on a timetable, ensure these schedules don’t fall by the wayside. Figure out what activities will enable you to get past and through the holidays and make them a priority in your day.
Stay away from family struggle
There are a couple approaches to spare your mental soundness at family social events, On the off chance that you know there will be clashes, set up a neutral response, for example, “How about we discuss that some other time,” or, “I can see how you would feel that way.” Then escape to the restroom, offer to help in the kitchen, or run hang out time with the children. What’s more, it always helps to calls a good friend in the event that you need extra coaching.
Nobody’s Perfect
The Holidays bring out the perfectionists in all of us, the perfect tree, lights and décor don’t have to be so perfect. Remember the spirit of the season, a warm and cozy place filled with love and family. Limit your stress levels when it comes to the holidays, pace yourself; and do a little each day making a schedule of the entire project. Enlist the help of friends, family, and passersby to join in on the bright and cheery atmosphere you have created.
Know how to grieve
In the event that you are grieving a friend or family member during the holiday season, it’s a good time to discuss your feelings with a therapist or join a support group. We all handle loss so differently, perhaps joining friends for an outing, quiet reflection, or a yearly tradition to honor that person might help to ease the pain. Whatever you choose it’s normal to feel loss; feelings are a sign that you’re human and reflect where you are in your healing process.
Schedule some sleep
With the holidays being jam packed of activities, friends, parties, and prep time, you’ll want to schedule much needed rest. Set a time for sleep each night and stick to your schedule getting 8 restful hours of uninterrupted sleep. Calm your mind and rest your body for each succeeding day to come, they will get busier. If you are one of the millions that have trouble sleeping try Chamomile Tea; read a good book by the fireplace, or watch a movie you’ve seen many times, anything to relax your body and mind to fall off to sleep.
Get help
Help comes in many forms, a friend, family member or a therapist, but if you are experiencing feeling of dread or hopelessness during the holidays seek out help. Look at it as a mission to find, conquer, and overcome anxiety or depression. This many not be the typical “Christmas Blues” but rather a problem that the holidays accentuate. Talking it out really does help.
Prioritize workouts
Exercise—one of the first activities to get lost in the holiday shuffle—should be placed high on your to-do list.” The more stress we are under, the less time we feel like we have, and the more irritated our mood, the more we need to continue exercising,”. “Get out and do something; it helps use those calories from rich, fatty, sugary holiday foods.” Exercise has been shown to improve mood. Taking a brisk walk for 35 minutes five days a week (or 60 minutes three times a week) can do the trick.
Consider your light exposure
If you are consistently tired, irritable, and down at this time of year, it may not be due to the holidays as much as to the lack of exposure to the sun. Seasonal affective disorder, or SAD, can be treated by long walks during daylight hours or exposure to a light box for about 30 minutes a day. If you think you may be suffering from SAD, talk to your doctor about treatment options.
Focus on what matters
The holidays shouldn’t be all about the presents, but financial woes can make it easy to lose sight of that. Rein in the stress (and cost) by organizing a gift exchange with friends or family. You can also bake your gifts, or create traditions such as having a large potluck meal followed by a walk outside or board games by the fire.” I think saying no is more of a relief instead of stretching and spending more than you have and still not doing enough,”.
Don’t binge on food or alcohol
For some, overindulgence is as much of a holiday tradition as opening gifts. I recommend more restraint. Have one piece of pie, not three. Apart from being unhealthy for your body, you will feel guilty afterward. Try preparing for holiday dinners by eating healthy meals the week prior. And don’t use alcohol to deal with holiday depression. Alcohol can intensify your emotions and leave you feeling worse when it wears off.
Cut back on commitments
If you feel like you just can’t get through one more holiday gathering, it’s OK to sit them out. One of the things about holiday stress we forget is that between Thanksgiving and Christmas make time for yourself to decompress and have some “Me time”.
Experts are now investigating two things for depression: exercise and sunlight. Research shows that getting outside helps combat the symptoms of depression. The sun is one of the best remedies for the blues because the rays contain UVA which stimulates the production of vitamin D. Don’t go for the gym, with the stale air and crowded environment. Instead, opt for the great outdoors. Avoid using sunglasses, as the eyes absorb the necessary rays needed to produce serotonin. Try to spend at least 20 minutes each day outdoors doing some form of outdoor physical activity.
2. Stay Social
Withdrawal from social activities, as well as friends and family, is one of the hallmark symptoms of depression. When we are feeling down or depressed about our lives, we tend to withdraw from others and retreat into our negative thoughts and feelings. To fight off depression, make sure that you surround yourself with a solid support network of friends and family with whom you have regular, weekly contact. These friends and family members will serve to keep you motivated and engaged in everyday life.
3. Aerobic Exercise
You don’t have to be a marathon runner to get aerobic exercise. Brisk walking is good for the heart and soul, as is jogging. Clinical studies found that regular exercise wards off the blues by increasing energy. Also, physical activity helps you release stress and reduce tension. Exercise keeps the body healthy and improves your mental thinking. Doctors recommend that you get at least 30 minutes of exercise three or four times each week.
4. Omega-3 Fatty Acids
The news is full of reports regarding the benefits of omega-3 fatty acids. These nutritional components aid in the brain’s neuron connectivity. A recent Harvard University study found a link between increased levels of omega-3 fatty acids and a decrease in depression. You can find them in fish, free range meats, and nuts. Many find it easier, however, to take capsules available at health food stores.
5. Change Your Sleep Routine
Alter your sleeping habits so that you have an environment conducive with a good night’s rest. Be sure to go to bed at the same time every night and turn the lights off. Avoid activities at bedtime that increase the heart rate, like watching action TV or listening to loud music. Instead, take a warm bath, listen to soft, classical music, and read a book. Also, avoid alcohol and caffeine because it interferes with sleep. Experts recommend at least 7 and a half hours of shut-eye each night.
6. Meditation and Yoga
One of the best ways to overcome depression is meditation and yoga. Neuroscientists now recognize these ancient practices for alleviating the worrisome symptoms of depression, as well as anxiety. Meditation and yoga work by adjusting your brain’s activity from the anxiety-prone right front cortex to the calmer left side. This shift promotes concentration, improves cognition and memory, and relaxes the body and mind.
7. Be Brave and find a Therapist.
Recognize that you may need professional support to manage depression. Sadly many people avoid it and suffer unecessarily. The most common reason people avoid seeking the help of a therapist is the belief that it will mean they are weak, incapable of solving problems on their own, or that they are simply “crazy.” But it goes beyond that. People often are afraid of how they’d feel if others saw them this way—namely worthless, flawed, or unlovable. Owning you need help is smart. Asking for help is brave.
Self-loathing is that underlying feeling that we are just not good: not good enough, not good at this, not good at that, not good at – or for –much of anything. It can be subtle, we may habitually compare ourselves to others, for instance, constantly finding fault with ourselves and putting ourselves down, with no real awareness that there is anything amiss. Or, we may listen intently to our critical inner voice while it scolds and berates us, telling us how embarrassing, stupid, or insensitive we are; refusing to challenge it even while we suffer from it.
We may try to suppress this feeling of inadequacy by behaving as though we are superior to others; more intelligent, clever, intuitive, or attractive. It’s as though we have to prove that we are the absolute best in order to avoid the torrent of internal abuse waiting to pounce the moment we show any fallibility.
However it is manifested, the self-loathing process is indicative of a divide that exists within all people between our healthy and realistic point of view toward ourselves and the internal enemy, or inner coach, that fights tooth and nail to assert its inimical ways of looking at ourselves and the lives we are living.
The Causes of Self-Loathing
According to Dr. Lisa Firestone and Joyce Catlett in the book Conquer your Critical Inner Voice, the causes of self-loathing lie in the past, when, as children, we were trying to cope with our lives in the best way possible. They explain:
The nature and degree of this division within ourselves depends on the parenting we received and the early environment we experienced. Parents, like all of us, have mixed feelings toward themselves; they have things they like about themselves and they have self-critical thoughts and feelings. The same negative feelings that parents have toward themselves are unfortunately often directed toward their children as well… In addition… if a parent has unresolved feelings from either trauma or loss in his or her past, this will impact his or her reactions to his or her children.
…Because of their acute sensitivity to pain and negative circumstances, children of all ages pay particular attention to, and are more affected by, even small incidences of parental anger. They may experience a parent’s anger, whether acted out or not, as being life-threatening. (Under extreme circumstances, they may be accurate in their perceptions.) In any case, children in stressful situations often feel threatened to the core of their being and frightened for their lives.
During times of stress, when children are afraid, they stop identifying with themselves as the helpless child and instead identify with the verbally or physically punishing parent. The parent is assimilated or taken in as he or she is at that moment, when he or she is at his or her worst, not as he or she is every day. The child tends to take on the anger, fear, self-hatred, in fact, the whole complex of emotions the parent is experiencing at that time.
And so, due to very human – hence very fallible – upbringings, we have all been subjected to situations and times in which we were made to feel like we were somehow bad, inadequate, or desperately needing to prove otherwise. Robert Firestone’s most recent work, Overcoming the Destructive Inner Voice – True Stories of Therapy and Transformation, is a book of short stories in which he relates various therapeutic experiences from his career. Self-loathing seems to be an underlying theme among many of these very personal narratives. Particularly the chapter entitled The Uninvited, in which Dr. Firestone is a student in psychology at Denver University when an old friend drops in, almost catatonic, seeking help. In fiercely funny and sharply intelligent prose Dr. Firestone describes this young man’s struggle, set against the rich backdrop of his own personal circumstances.
The Self-Loathing Thought Process is Not your Conscience
Often the process that underlies self-loathing, the critical inner voice or internal coach, seems as though it might just be your conscience. For instance, it may tell you about things you are doing that are not in your interest, just like your conscience does. But this process is diametrically opposed to your self-interest. Whereas your conscience will tell you not to have that one drink too many, this process first lures you into taking that drink and then attacks you viciously for having taken it. Your conscience may nag at you to revisit a conversation in which you may have not been kind for instance, and from there you can think about it and decide what you would like to do. The internal enemy either justifies your having been rude by attacking the other person, He deserved it, he is such a jerk! or berates you furiously for your part, You are always so touchy and mean. No wonder no one likes you!
How to Overcome Self-Loathing
No matter what circumstances you find yourself in, a nasty point of view toward yourself is never warranted. It is never in your self-interest. The proper viewpoint toward yourself should be one of friendship. Think about yourself and treat yourself as you would a close friend; respectfully and with affection. With understanding and empathy. And maybe most importantly, with a sense of easiness and humor.
You are powerful in your own right, free to choose any point of view or course of action available to you. Any inner voice that defines you, either tearing you down, You are such an idiot! or building you up, You’re the smartest one in this school! is attempting to take away your power and freedom. You must be your own advocate, taking your own side in your life.
There are many avenues through which to address the issue of self-loathing. First, just by becoming aware that a division exists within us allows for a more rational, reasonable assessment of events in our daily lives. Once we have identified this process as being different from honest self-reflection, we are then able to think more objectively about ourselves and the various situations we encounter. Further, there are a variety of therapy techniques geared toward helping people to address the negative ways of viewing themselves that lead to self-loathing.
Challenging the tendency toward self-loathing is one of the most valuable uses of our time and energy. As we extricate ourselves from this inimical process, we become freer to experience ourselves and the lives we are living from a kindly and empowered perspective.
Self-loathing is that underlying feeling that we are just not good: not good enough, not good at this, not good at that, not good at – or for –much of anything. It can be subtle, we may habitually compare ourselves to others, for instance, constantly finding fault with ourselves and putting ourselves down, with no real awareness that there is anything amiss. Or, we may listen intently to our 
